People Pleasing? It’s So Displeasing! - Living by Faith Journal

What is so displeasing about people pleasing? Those of us caught by this rarely appreciate how displeasing it is. Not as long as it seems to be going well. We’re working hard to keep everybody happy and that’s a good thing, right? We’re showing others our love for them! They’re pleased with our efforts most of the time, aren’t they? If not, we work harder until we’re sure they are.

Yet, all the while we displease Jesus (more on that later). He’s not the only one. Eventually, we come up against people we can’t please no matter what. Worse, even the people we pleased regularly now have heightened expectations. They seem to take our efforts for granted, belittle them, or demand more from us.

All this constant effort and diminishing return really wears us down. Now, we’re displeased! We began by loving people, but we ended up frustrated with them. The whole thing becomes such a burden we just want to quit altogether. At last we’re beginning to wake up.

People Pleasing Is Unwinnable

This wake up comes for the men at our Mission rather rudely. It is one of their top two lessons. They are already dealing with anger issues that are out of control. This creates even more explosions. Consequently, the crisis comes to them far more quickly that it does to the average church person who is trapped playing the same unwinnable game.

It is unwinnable, yet we keep thinking that if only they would change, or if we could do better, all would be well. Everybody would be happy! And that false hope kept us going round and round on a merry chase for quite a long time. All the while we were thinking of ourselves as a really good person who is only trying to do good by pleasing people.

The irony of this is that our men at the Mission have set their worlds on fire chasing their addiction. The last thing they thought about was pleasing the ones closest to them who were begging them to quit. If they really wanted to love and please others, why not stop breaking their parents’ heart, or their children’s, or their spouse’s? This they could not or would not do. Yet, now that they are in recovery, by a mysterious and bizarre twist they leap right into people pleasing, as if they were making up for lost time.

What Is Wrong with People Pleasing?

The proof of people pleasing as a disease is how hurt, offended and angry a person gets when people are displeased with them or show insufficient appreciation for what they’ve done. The truth is that if I am only doing something out of love for a person, then it never matters what their response is. I didn’t do it for the sake of their response! It did it because it was the right and loving thing to do.

That’s the way our God is with us and that’s the way He wants us to be with others. Love gives freely, even sacrificially. Love never requires a return. Watch out! The people pleaser is trying to get something from us: our attention and affirmation. Otherwise, he (or she) is not pleased with us! Oh no, not at all! Their angry, resentful reaction proves that they were serving Self, not us. And certainly not the Lord.

If we had only looked at the scriptures and had taken them seriously, we would have seen how vehemently opposed to people pleasing Jesus is. In word and deed, He utterly rejected that kind of behavior. In fact, He seemed to go out of his way to displease certain people, especially the Pharisees whom He faulted for being people pleasers. Hear Him thump it with these words:

“How can you believe in me when you seek and receive glory and approval from one another and yet do not seek the glory and approval which comes from The One and Only God?” John 5:44 AMP

Where Does People Pleasing Come From?

Where does this come from? Oddly, it comes from a failure to truly believe the gospel. Deep in the heart of the people pleaser (and I have been one, so I know) a wounded place craves love, affirmation and affection. How that got there is a personal story, individualized for each of us, but that it is there creates the problem.

Growing up we learned that if we can just do certain things (be good at sports or grades, be funny, be needed) people will shower us with what we crave—their approval. Tragically, approval is a poor substitute for genuine affection, but it will do in a pinch.

The hook goes in deep. Trying to get people’s affirmation and approval becomes the life-long addiction. That and trying to avoid their disapproval—which stings all the more because we crave approval so badly. For the men at the Mission, once they abandon the substance addiction, this older, deeper “addiction” springs to life.

What Is the Answer?

The answer is fully believing the truth of the gospel. We already have Three Gods in One who love us with full hearts of affection, daily affirm and encourage us, and never, ever will reject us. Let that sink in and you will realize that you don’t need anything from anyone. You are already magnificently loved by the only Ones who truly matter. Settle that issue and your only concern becomes doing what might please them, which is what it needed to be all along.

The wonderful thing about living to please the Lord is that He is the easiest person to please you could every hope to spend your time serving. For more on the many gifts of love that bring us into a heavenly life on earth, see “Saved by the Free Gifts!” at our website for spiritual growth and freedom.